How Could I Forget?

My life since May of this year has been very un-magical. It has been swamped with disappointment, confusion, horror and spiraling. Not to sound dramatic but it's the truth. And it has been a mostly lonely process because I can't perform my pain. I can't wear it like a bandage. To the eyes of society, I look like I'm mostly ok. But I haven't been. Despite all the turmoil I have been through, I do have to be grateful for one thing and it is my responsible adult ability to call it quits when I need to, put everything on a halt and plan what my recovery is going to look like. 

My Therapist Rocks

The first thing I did to heal my spiritual crisis was go back to therapy. Some problems you have to admit are simply of a psychological nature, and I was not finding answers in the spiritual circles, books, and a single more tarot reading would break me right now. So I scrolled on my phone and called my good ol trusted therapist and she helped me realize one thing: I have this problem where somehow in my upbringing I was indoctrinated with the belief that "Authority Is The Only Reliable Source of Truth." 

Is this true? Nope. 

We know this for political reasons. We also know how the pandemic was manipulated by authorities to their convenience. So why swear by this axiom in the spiritual realm too?

Realizing that has brought me a lot of peace and has relieved some guilt when it comes to turning inward for peace and truth. 

Ana Affirming Activities

Something that has bothered me about my spiritual journey and the way it has suffered this year, is that it has been very un-affirming of me. Of my essence. It has led to some degree of erasure in the name of ego death or whatever terms are trendy in the occultosphere, but honestly that didn't exactly lead to growth. It led to depression. 

So I decided to start forcing myself out of my cave and start engaging in activities that are affirming of who I am. Environments in which I can thrive. Circles that celebrate instead of punish me. I got tired of being punished. So I finally after 20 years went to see the live concert of my favorite band when I was 15 years old. I booked a ticket to go to my favorite upscale fantasy event. I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen in a long time who, I must say, is one of those friends that reminds me that she saw something in me because I was magical to begin with. 

CPR On My Whimsy

This friend I met at said fantasy event a few years ago. She is a fellow queen of darkness who carries herself with poise and elegance, and who saw kindred in me upon meeting that one night. This time, we met at a super fancy hotel here in my city, one that I hadn't been to before, we had brunch, and then I was very surprised to learn that she also had a spirit patron who was a Greek deity. I tried not to go too deep into that part of the conversation because I told her that my relationship with my spiritual practice as of lately had left me feeling broken and depleted, that I had gone too deep and gotten my fingers burned, and that I was trying to return to myself in the face of abandonment. She was super respectful of that, but we couldn't help it, in the 7 hours that we hung out and were catching up, spiritual subjects kept coming up because they were relevant to the conversation. She basically made me realize that which I had Forgotten About, which was so important that I remembered in this moment:

There is something about me. Call it a glamour, call it whimsy, call it an old soul, but I always end up attracting people that come across as very prominent main characters in their own storyline, and those people always recognize this kind of light in me. And I had completely forgotten. In the long and painful and passionate process of outsourcing my magic to my spirit patrons, I completely forgot that I AM magical to begin with. I always was. Before they came along. Before I knew their name. Before I lost myself in them. And that magic? Hell, it was fun. It was its own thing. It is what made me have the carreer that I have. The crazy adventures that I get to tell. The insane good luck that I carry. The way I get things for free, invitations, tickets, friendships, opportunities, plot twists, oh how furious I was to realize I had forgotten about my own magic! But just like Bilbo when he heard that knock on the door and Gandalf showed up to remind him of their old friendship, my friend treated me to a day worthy of the Renaissance women that we are, and sharing our crazy Hollywood stories, our family histories and the strange things that happen to us, I was reminded. 

The Force Awakens

Sorry to start this paragraph with the name of such a bad movie, but this is how I feel right now. Seeing my friend awakened something, and now I want to get back in the world and scream. I want to run, I want to drive with my windows open at night and laugh in the freeway, I want to roam strange places and have the night take me by the hand and lead me to my next adventure. I feel something bubbling up. I am tired of performing to win the favor of gods. It's their turn to prove themselves. I am about to get so fucking magical my lore is going to be insane and if they want a shout out in the footnotes, they better start being kind because I am done with the alternative.